Tag Archives: Relationships

INDIA: The Key to Successful Relationships

16 Mar

My latest post at World Moms Blog talks about the key to successful relationships.

Check it out here – http://www.worldmomsblog.com/2013/03/11/india-key-successful-relationships/

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Babies that become man and woman and mommy and daddy

8 Aug

Newborn child, seconds after birth. The umbili...

Newborn baby.

“This is your baby”, says the doc. Mommy looks at her baby with awe, love and joy. Nothing can ever describe her feeling. She feels a lot of emotions. It is HER baby. Nine months of HER labour. HER joy. She touches the baby. The baby squirms. Baby cries. Baby blinks. Moments of awe, moments of joy, moments of BLISS.

Mommy spends at least twenty years of her life bringing up baby. She bathes it, feeds it, changes diapers, cleans poos and pees, teaches A,B,C, gets frustrated during tantrums, calms back, calms down baby too, cleans spits from the entire carpet, scrubs the house, some even work at work(office) in the midst of all this and manage to earn decent money.

And the baby keeps growing. Keeps learning. Keeps loving mom. Mommy gets rewards too. Hugs, kisses, milestones, first crushes, baby’s achievements at school, and she witnesses scores of such once in a lifetime things. Mommy is happy. Mommy is proud. Mommy’s life is made. Baby becomes boy (or girl), and then man(or woman) and life starts happening for our baby (man/woman) now.

Mommy looks up at baby nowadays. How nicely he (she) dresses, how smart he (she) is, how great life can be for baby now. Mommy feels blessed to have such a wonderful man (woman) for her as baby.

And then things change.

No, this post is not being pessimistic. It just puts things in perspective.

So, now baby gets married. Baby has babies of his (her) own. Sometimes relationships are just great as it was when our original baby was born. But sometimes it is not. Those sad times are more often than not.

Fly me higher...!!!

Fly me higher…!!!

Mommy-son (daughter) relationships cracks. Why? Expectations happen; from mommy’s side, and sometimes from children’s side. And then each one does not deliver what is expected. Disappointments are many. Bitterness sets in after a few disappointments.

So, I ask the mommy, why expect?

Mommy says, “Why not?”

“I mean it is your baby. You cared for it. Now baby has grown up. It has wings. It is flying away to create a brood of its own. Now you should not expect baby to hang around.”

Mommy says, “But how can I not? It is all that I have. My whole life was devoted to this. I won’t say sacrificed, but I have nothing else left with me.”

And then I say again, “But baby has lot more to do in life. It has so much to look for in this world. It wants to stretch out its wings. It wants to fly high. It wants to soar.”

Mommy nods. She understands. She knows. But she still wants baby. She is silently pining away. Sometimes she throws tantrums like baby used to do in younger days. But mommy definitely understands that baby needs the world, not the nest.

The babies are now the prime of this world. It needs to go out and create freshness and brightness in this world. It needs to recreate the whole world in its own way. It needs to know life. After all mommies had the same to do, right? They discovered their worlds, created their babies, chose their lives, and dedicated it for their babies, right?

So, mommy says, “Yes, but I know how my mommy felt now. And I understand what relationships are made of.”

I nod understandingly. But something was amiss and I am trying hard to cling onto it, grasp it.

Mommy, baby, life, wings, flight, empty nest, wide world, man, woman, progeny!!! Things were happening too fast.

Oh, wait a minute, what happened? Imagine the tenderness and helplessness of the baby when it first arrived into this world. Imagine the baby as soon as it is born with all the goo, trying hard to comprehend this world. Imagine the baby trying to lactate with mommy. Imagine mommy feeding baby. Imagine mommy holding baby’s hands and helping him take first few steps. Imagine mommy teaching baby stuff about the world. Imagine mommy wiping tears of frustration when baby’s first crush moved on. Imagine mommy doing this and that and stuff.

What happened to the mommy’s heart? Her only wish was for baby to excel in everything. Now why does she want the empty old nest to be filled with the baby who does not fit in it anymore? Why does she not allow the baby to fly away and make a bigger stronger and more beautiful nest?

Now all you strong men and women out there, do not smile and nod and before forwarding this to your mama and papa, think how much mommy sacrificed everything to be with you. Imagine mommy’s sleepless nights when you wanted nothing but to only nurse for weeks and months in a row. Imagine mommy always calling in sick for work. Imagine calling in late for work on all days for at least a week when you were sick. Imagine mommy cancelling holiday plans because baby won’t fit in for this holiday. Imagine mommy forfeiting promotions because it involved more work and more time. Imagine some mommies quitting work altogether to be with babies. Imagine twenty years of mommy’s thoughts, actions, life and breath revolving only around baby. But baby deserts her after twenty years.

Why oh why? Why doesn’t baby understand mommy? Why doesn’t mommy let baby go either? Why does the relationship fall out?

The most sacred of all relationships, the one between mommy and baby should never go stale. But why does it fail, at least in 50% of the cases? All relationships, especially this one, is based on love. And then some trust and a little respect. Respect baby’s needs to fly away. Trust the baby, your baby, to love you, remember you, and come back to you in your most needed hour. But for now, let baby fly.

And you baby, understand mommy’s need to feel loved, cherished and protected. After all, all her life was spent for you. She needs some hold onto life and that is mostly you. Be sensitive.

Why oh, why such things happen? So complex to understand the myriad emotions, feelings, expectations, needs, desires between people. Go beyond it all. Look up to each other. Respect each other. Respect the needs of each one. Do not let selfishness come in the way.  Let the other flower out. Un-flowered buds wither away.

Garden flower

Teach the other to let go. Teach the other to seek out too.

Teach each one to love. Teach each one to detach too.

Help the other to breed. Help them fly way away too.

Love. And believe in your loved ones to love you back.

And trust. And Respect.  And let go. For, know that they will come back.

Thank you Geetha, for inspiring me to write this piece.

Let me BE.

2 Nov

 

Be Led

 

 

Let me be led from laziness to purposefulness.

Let me be led from being idle to a being of use.

Let me be led from anger and hatred to being detached.

Let me be led from nonchalance to compassion.

 

Let me share and spread the Love.

Let my life be what it ought to be.

Let me just Be what I have to Be!

          

SAHM vs. Working-Mom

10 Aug

INDIA: My Decision: SAHM vs. Working-Mom.

Please click the above link. Oh yes, that is my next post at WMB.

Ok, go ahead, read it and leave your comments there at WMB  🙂

Thanks guys!

MY LOVE SONG

28 Jul

MY LOVE SONG

 

Munnar Lake

Munnar Lake

         

A love song, long-buried in my heart,

manifesting today, celebrated today,

The magic of missing and meeting,

the beloved tomorrow, day after or now,

little realizing you are the song itself.

 

Memories, whistles, glances, smiles,

Like a sweet dream, they play along,

Again and again with the same saccharine ness.

The setting sun and the rippling lake,

could never parallel your beautiful aura.

 

Waiting for you, waiting for you,

little realizing that you are the wait itself.

Will tomorrow come, When will it?

Singing with an empty heart, an empty note,

The love song once sung deeply buried.

 

It is now or never, to find you there,

Where you always are and waiting for me,

To revel in the best days of my life,

Indeed the best is here and now,

To find you where you always are…

 

Oh, I am waiting, yes, I am…

Not knowing you are here with me,

That beautiful future I envision,

Cradled in a bright cocoon in your spirit.

But oh, here you are, when did you come?

         

What’s in a name? Click, find out!

7 Jan

Would you retain your maiden name, after your marriage? I am just curious as to how many actually click ‘Yes’ on the poll at the end of this post.
My name is 'The Alchemist'

My name is 'The Alchemist'

In ‘olden’ days this was not even an option. Women just changed their surnames to their husband’s as soon as they got married. There was no thought to it. It was just like that. But I would like to share a secret that my paternal grandmother retains both her maiden name and her married name in all her legal documents and also social network. So, does my grandmother’s sister. I am proud of them both. But my mother, paternal and maternal aunts don’t. They all have their married names.

I personally am more inclined to retain my maiden name and DDH apparently does not mind. DDS takes his father’s name though and I definitely don’t mind. There needs to be a balance in all things 😉 and I am bestowed with my paternal surname not maternal. Oh well, anyways, read on…

I have had lengthy discussions about this for so long with a few of my friends. The discussion never ends. We only disperse. Of course it’s actually a non-issue if you look at the world in a very broad way with global warming, deforestation, pollution, plastics and whatnots. But us, the highly evolved species are identified with a name and it’s the most essential and predominant part of an individual’s personal heritage and identification.

Oh yes, professionally, it is just easy to go along with your maiden name. It reduces so much of legal work. End of discussion!

But, I cannot write a short, simple blog. I just cannot. So, here goes.

Out of the women who resist this change, the most predominant reason is surprisingly not the cumbersome activity of changing your passport, driving license, credit cards, etc, but it is vastly psychological. Many of my friends confided to having bouts of sorrow after they changed their name, though they did not expect it. It feels like closing the most favorite chapter of your life book. It feels like your birth certificate does not matter anymore. Face it, childhood is the best part of anyone’s life and everyone is nostalgic about it. And changing names from that of your childhood name feels so different, not good different, but sad different.

Certain women are born in a very rich heritage and would like to still feel belonged in it though married. Come on, marriage cannot mean to break all familial ties in which you were born. Some women feel loved and cherished to be identified with their maiden name because they are proud of it. Whats wrong in being proud of a very nice thing?

Suppose, an English woman with a surname of Smith married an African with a surname of Gueyeah she would feel strange taking up his surname Does Jane Smith sound good for a blonde or Jane Gueyeah? Or an Asian with a name of Ching changing it to John? I mean, if you have looked and felt a name for 20 to 30 odd years, you would prefer to retain your feelings. I somehow do not feel like naming a baby with a very huge name. It feels heavy on the baby. This is quite a similar feeling. Changing your name just does not feel you.

But most women feel that changing your surname after marriage is a sign of love, commitment and belongingness towards your husband and his family. The couple is lucky in this case. In the other case too, the couple is lucky, because the second category does not need any material, emotional or intellectual action to symbolize their love and commitment. Oh, the discussion in either case..!

Nowadays, the trend is this, FirstName MaidenLastName HusbandSurname. You retain your maiden name as your middle name and append his last name as your last name. It avoids so much confusion, feels good psychologically on you and him and makes him feel having possessed you. This is a very simple and easy approach and is gaining popularity. It’s a win win situation in many ways.

But you know, socially, whatever you decide to do, you would have to smile and politely reply to comments like, “Oh, you retained your maiden name. Are you so insecure that you need this statement of independence every now and then”? Or rather, “You changed your surname? Are you not the liberated modern woman”?

And then, there is this huge activity of naming the children and choosing surnames for them. I do not even want to think about the options, discussions and implications. There is a huge list to choose from … Mother’s maiden name, Father’s surname, Mother’s Maiden Name-Father’s surname, Mother’s maiden name as middle name, oh the list is just endless… The easiest thing is for all to have the same last name. Looks good on the passport, doesn’t it? 😉

While discussing names, we all eventually, remember the bard’s famous words, “A rose by any other name would smell as sweet” ironically from the play, “Romeo and Juliet”.

And a woman or man is definitely herself/himself no matter what she/he is called. Can I conclude without these clichéd words? 😉

And here comes the poll… Being a woman, what would u do?Being a man, what would you prefer your better half to do? Change or not?

THE OPPOSITE OF LOVE

11 Oct

is not hate. It is indifference. These are not my own words, I read it somewhere and I have been thinking about it for a long time. I love a lot of people and I don’t love certain others. Ofcourse I am looking towards loving the whole universe and hopefully that will be accomplished soon. But then until then, my so called lack of love towards certain people does not amount to hate. Do I really hate those people I don’t love? I have been thinking much about this. Someone said I hate them because I don’t love them. I would say, “fine, whatever…”. But I really cant label my feelings as hate. Hate amounts to a very strong dislike, a strange feeling that demands an action. And when I think about it, I would not want to waste my time thinking of what are those acts I would like to do upon those whom I am not yet able to love.

When I think about love, I think it’s a very strong feeling which is natural and spontaneous and requires no specific thoughts or voluntary thoughts. It’s a spontaneous thought which sometimes, one does not even realize that one possess. For instance, I don’t remember when I started loving my husband and it was not voluntary act I wanted or intended in my conscious mind. It sort of “just happened”, even though that sounds clichéd, that’s precisely what it is. I cannot remember when I started loving my son or my parents. I mean, was it there since the beginning? Or did it grow upon me? Well, whatever it was, it was and is. The feeling does exist and crept in without any effort and it feels natural to have the feeling.

The absence of any of these strong feelings does not amount to the presence of any other similarly strong and powerful feelings like hate. Infact the absence of love is definitely not hate. And the absence of hate is not love either. See, I don’t hate Shah Rukh Khan or Aishwarya Rai. But do I love them? Ha Ha, definitely not. I don’t love a certain colleague at my work place. But I definitely don’t hate him either. I mean, he is what he is and I am what I am. I would prefer to steer clear of him.
So, I would very much vouch for the fact that the absence of love could be apathy or indifference. The absence of hate could also very much mean indifference. This very beautiful and necessary word in the English literature would leave a lot of things unsaid and unthought-of about which is actually very good. I would say indifference is a very nice feeling when you would like to think about it, or when you have time to think about it.

Hate – some dictionary says it’s a very strong feeling amounting to a strong action. Ha ha, I would not want to act upon people whom I don’t love. Would I? Steer clear of them, I would say!!!

These are people whom I am indifferent about. Well, I would like to love them, but I have to wait and pray for it to happen naturally.

Oh well, no feelings are wasted on them, neither is time. I have so much to do in my life. I have so much more love to be given to my only son, so much more tasks to accomplish, finish my unwritten story, think about my doctoral and post doctoral researches, paint all those paintings which is still to take form, the designs latent in my heart and many more unnamed and unfelt things to accomplish. Where do I have the time to spend “hating” someone? It’s a mistake to term the lack of love as hate. I would say indifference suits the feeling better. Like, you know, the most irritating word, “whatever” suits the feeling better.

For the love of life, I would say, lets try to love all and pray for it to happen naturally and stop thinking of the lack of love as hate, rather it could a feeling not worth analyzing or thinking at all. Meanwhile, creative energies are better spent on things/persons one loves. Maybe that’s better in a way.

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