Contemplating …

13 Sep

In just four weeks I will be relieved from my job. I wrote about the day I actually took this decision here. The trigger for my quitting my job is here. So, in less than a month, I will be at home taking care of my son and being with him amongst doing other things. It is something I am eagerly looking forward to. You know, like all “modern women”, I value my financial independence, my career and the feeling of being a “liberated woman” like the cliched phrase goes. I love my work place, my colleagues and friends here at work, my cubicle which is strategically located, and I even share my cubicle with the most wonderful cubicle mate anyone can possibily ever have. I like my project mates, and the work I do too, atleast, well, to a certain extent. Whom am I kidding here :D.

But then I also feel there is so much I am missing out from my life and this world, other than the actual trigger which made me quit. I cherish my present life; I also have to admit that I am searching for an elusive something, maybe contentment or perhaps the feeling of being satisfied with life(are they not the same?). Dont get me wrong that I do not have “job-satisfaction”. This satisfaction I am speaking about is entirely different. Perhaps, I will have more clarity as I continue writing.

I think I am missing out on these pockets of nonsense memories which are essentially made of the non-stop chatter of my toddler filling my lethargic afternoons, his antics and my vain attempts at trying to be strict ;), admiring the rising sun and setting sun everyday, spending idyllic weekends without the anxiety of monday morning blues and oh well, the list could go on…

There are also so many things which I want to do and have been postponing them for so many reasons. I have made a list of these eventual possibilities which could be renumerative too.

  • write adult fiction, sci-fi
  • write children’s books
  • glass painting, canvas painting
  • blog my heart away
  • search for an agent to get my book published 😉
  • start a play school or day care
  • take up gardening in my new home and cultivate organic fruits and vegetables
  • part time teaching in universities
  • register for a part time doctoral degree now that I already have a Master’s degree

Its not that I am actually at a dearth of things to do. Some could turn out to be a lifetime achievement. Getting something published by a decent international publisher could be nothing short of exactly that.

ok, here goes… You want the truth? I am scared! As in hugely SCARED, with the capital S. I do not know how successful I am going to be in all these. Will I regret my decision? Will I give those people the satisfaction who told me it is a wrong decision to quit without another job? Will I be happy? Will I miss the money? Or am I thinking the grass is greener on the other side? I have spent atleast an year thinking these. Only time will tell.

But life goes on. And my world revolves around me and everyone I love. And I need to keep doing what I think is correct at the moment. I need to cherish the memories I feel I am missing. I need to do what I imagine my dream is, my bliss is, my forte is. My being good or bad or a success or failure is not for the world to judge or even me. Deriving contentment and happiness in life is beyond the tangible quotients.

Oh well, 4 more weeks to go anyways… 🙂

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9 Responses to “Contemplating …”

  1. Howard Roark September 13, 2010 at 6:30 pm #

    Two things immediately come to my mind! 🙂 These are exactly the feelings that I would have had if I need to leave in 4 weeks.

    Also, the following things would have also popped in my mind after the first thought.

    1) The fear of suffering is greater than the suffering itself — The Alchemist
    2) Enni thuniga karumam, thunnithapin ennuvam enpathu izhukku — Thirukural

    Here is wishes for a wonderful time.

    Cheers!
    Nagesh.

    (P.S: Send me the first draft of your book…. I will be very happy to be the first to read and comment on it!)

    • The Alchemist September 13, 2010 at 6:49 pm #

      Nagesh,

      Thanks for commenting 🙂

      Regarding your 2 highlights –
      1. Very true. But being human, I think, I am courageous to atleast express this feeling of fear! Paradoxial, huh! 😉
      2. Too much of planning will only result in planning. Yes, but hasty decisions will yield disgrace, but well, even after that, getting up, brushing your bruises and marching positively towards the goal will make one tougher and will also make one relish the success and appreciate the goal and even the chosen path. So, well, even though I appreciate the kural, I say, do what needs to be done. I listened to my heart and I trust it. 🙂

      Keep Visiting and keep reading/commenting!
      Love your perspectives and thoughts. Keep sharing! 🙂

  2. Rakesh September 15, 2010 at 10:42 am #

    Moving on in life eh? I think it’s the best decision you will ever take. At least for the sake of your kid.
    Good luck! 🙂

    • The Alchemist September 15, 2010 at 6:04 pm #

      Thanks Rakesh 🙂

  3. stilladreamer September 15, 2010 at 7:05 pm #

    Here is what came to mind when I read this … and it’s something of which I often need to remind myself.

    “A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.”
    Lao-tzu, The Way of Lao-tzu
    Chinese philosopher (604 BC – 531 BC)

    Good luck!
    Jeanne

    • The Alchemist September 16, 2010 at 2:55 pm #

      Jeanne,
      You have a way with words (and quotes) to pull me out of my gloom.
      Thanks 🙂

  4. Ram September 17, 2010 at 4:56 pm #

    I liked this 🙂 .. “As in hugely SCARED, with the capital S” .
    what i could possibly say is இக்கரைக்கு அக்கரை பச்சை ….
    too much contemplation = confusion+inaction.. go ahead with ur decision .. (man, i am good in punch dialogues :))..
    wish u success for all ur future endeavors ..

    • The Alchemist September 22, 2010 at 11:10 am #

      Punch Master, agree with you…!!! Perhaps I should stop “thinking” too much and just live. Maybe there could be more “action” that way 😀
      Thanks 🙂

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. What is this blog about? « My feelings, My ramblings, My peace - September 17, 2010

    […] Writing ← Contemplating … […]

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