Motherhood and being Cultured!

        

This post is dedicated to the one year Blogiversary of one of the most happening parenting communities, World Moms Blog.

I was asked to write about Motherhood relating to our Indian culture and link up with the World Moms Blog . In India I would say there are at at least 50 different cultures for every aspect. And the same and more apply to motherhood. Having said that, this post has nothing to do with any of the  specific 50 different cultures of India.

For me motherhood simply means worshipping my mother’s motherhood. I should say I have not much vocally appreciated her as much as I should be not only for bringing me up, but doing everything else and more for my son, her grandson.

Sculpture - "Motherhood" at St.Anne convent in northern Kentucky.

This is where it began. When I was pregnant I contacted Hepatitis-A, a viral infection and was down with jaundice. It was not specifically life threatening or problematic for the baby in womb (because of the placental barrier), but we all were so stressed mentally and emotionally. This was approximately during the 22^nd week. I was working 12 hours a day, designing the supposedly love of my life, car electronics. During that period I was living, 350 miles away from home.

The gynecologist and gastroentrologist advised complete bed rest until the day of delivery. I was very upset hearing this. I pleaded, I coaxed, that I work at least after a month’s rest. I was feeling completely fit and fine. But for whatever reasons God chose, I was back at my parents’ home relaxing and enjoying all the remaining 5 to 6 months of pregnancy. I was eating home cooked food by the world’s greatest cook (mom), being pampered and cared and just plain killing time reading books, researching pregnancy and stuff over the internet. The DDH used to visit me over the weekends at my parents’ place. [**I have not really thanked him enough for letting me stay on at my parents’ place indefinitely**]. And life was benevolent indeed.  

And then, one fine day I delivered a healthy happy crying baby boy and all was fine again in this mama’s world.

And I went back to work when DDS was 6 months old.

No day care, said the DDH. No nannies. No nothing. I was devastated. Apparently the DDH was a great fan of attachment parenting, and well, neither did I have the heart to send him to a day care to strangers. I mean, yes, I know there are so many wonderful care centers and I am not being judgmental. Having said that, I just felt I needed my little boy to be with people he knew, he was biologically related to.

So, super woman aka my mom, aka my son’s grand mom stepped in to the rescue. She traveled 350 miles away from her home, stayed with us, away from her husband and her son and took care of DDS while I worked away ‘happily’ at the car electronics typing away software codes for the automatic power steering.

Now, my dad visited us during the weekend to be with his wife, my mom and with all of us, his family. And oh, my brother sacrificed being with his mom too, because he was just entering college, and needed her emotional support. But the neediest was the baby, so my mom devoted her entire time, energy and thoughts to baby. We stayed in this arrangement for at least 5 years when we decided I would quit work because mom had to go back home, for her own personal reasons.

But the point is, my mom put up with a 25-year-old, grown up, pregnant, moody, lazy, physically unwell woman (me) for half a year, an ignorant mom (me) for another half-year and then she stayed away from her family, her husband and her son for 5 full years. I can not really thank my father and brother enough for letting me have her fully. She did all this for her grandson. Her idea of motherhood which can not be defined in any words except by retelling this story is just my idea of motherhood.

Culture is also refinement, culture is also being civilized, culture, my father always says, is doing what is best and correct for the moment and living life the way, God would later say, Ah, I am proud of you, my child. Isnt that how culture must have evolved in any society?

So, I am blessed to have parents who are cultured and who tried their best to imbibe that in my brother and me.

And this post celebrates that woman, who is the best mother in the whole world.

Some day, I hope my son says that too.

 

This article is part of the World Moms Blog Link-up

Go ahead, click the above button and view all posts written by mothers all around the globe participating in the World Moms Blog link up! I encourage the reader to also participate by writing your own post under the topic, “Motherhood, culture and myself” and show your support for the most celebrated feeling, “motherhood” by ‘liking’ and commenting on my and all posts.

Quality, Quantity, Compromise and an Anniversary

I was speaking to my ex-project coordinator yesterday. Well, technically, not speaking, but chatting up on the virtual world! Something he said, stuck out from the conversation and that was, now you are earning quality money, writing.

Well, I actually earn only about less than ten percent of what I used to earn working as a software engineer, designing car electronics. I used to crib the whole day. But I cribbed at work, I cribbed at home, I even cribbed here at the blog.

Now, I quit for various reasons. Maybe if you want to know why, read this post later. So, now the extra income is missing. But we as a family are having a quality life. Quality care for my DDS, Quality care for DDH (though he never admits it), I mean I think of him at least eighteen times more often now, than I used to one year ago. So, isn’t that quality remembrance? And it is with fondness. (Ok, he won’t ever believe it, but anyway, there, I said it!) 

So, the point is, now I earn quality money, enjoying what I do, enjoying my work, admiring the product of my efforts, and actually loving it. I love what I write and I hope the readers do too. So, quality money (but well, less).

And a huge compromise it is! I can not really afford to not have the money. But there, I have gone through one year of existence without my income. I have learnt to be dependant on the DDH. I have learnt to be frugal to some extent(Ah, the DDH wont believe this either ). I have learnt to compromise on things and not feel bad about it.

I have learnt to live the purpose of my existence.

And happy one year anniversary to myself for making it. (Technically it is one year and one month, but you can all wish me anyway, because I am announcing it now… lol )

 And thanks PKAdka, for reminding me of the memories .

P.S: The irony of the image is that I wanted to symbolically say that one (the keyboard which I used as a software engineer) was my earlier cake winner and the other (pen as a writer) is my bread winner. But ah, well, in the digital age, gifted to us by ex-software engineers like me, I sadly use the keyboard now like earlier . Perhaps, later sometime, I would elucidate the joys of writing something using the pen .

Photo credit to http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Keyboard_and_pen.JPG

CALLING ALL BLOGGERS!: Our “Blogiversary” Link Up Nov. 2, 3, and 4th! (Updated!)

CALLING ALL BLOGGERS!: Our “Blogiversary” Link Up Nov. 2, 3, and 4th! (Updated!).

The World Moms Blog is celebrating its first birthday. Come, be part of the blogiversary, write your own posts about motherhood and culture and link up those posts with us. Click the above link and read the details.

There are surprise gifts to be won too. And more than that, this is your best chance to be featured on the famous World Moms Blog website.

Spread the love; share what it means to be a mother.

Love,

The Alchemist!

SAHM vs. Working-Mom

INDIA: My Decision: SAHM vs. Working-Mom.

Please click the above link. Oh yes, that is my next post at WMB.

Ok, go ahead, read it and leave your comments there at WMB 

Thanks guys!

My brush with fame

 

INDIA: Interview with The Alchemist.

The Alchemist and her son

So guys, I am almost a celebrity. Well, not really. But, my interview got published there on WorldMomsBlog.com.

It actually feels good. That is one place I really love. Writing about being a mother and the parenting sagas is really a wonderful way to keep up a memoir.

Getting interviewed by WorldMomsBlog sure was fun. Go ahead, click and read my interview.

You are welcome to leave your comments and thoughts on WorldMomsBlog site.

INDIA: My “It Happened” Moment

INDIA: My “It Happened” Moment.

Thats my latest post at World Moms Blog. Go ahead, click it, read it and leave comments at World Moms Blog.

My first post at WorldMomsBlog

So guys, there I wrote my first post at WorldMomsBlog. You can read it here. It was about my feelings when we came to know DDS needed to wear glasses. hush.. I would say no more. Now, off you go there and read it all up and leave your comments. And yes, I blog there under the name of “The Alchemist”.

http://worldmomsblog.com/2011/02/09/india-in-the-eyeglasses-of-the-beholder/

A career woman turned homemaker.

Do you remember the day I quit my job? The day I actually officially gave my resignation letter? I wrote about it here. And the day I wrote about my feelings about the trigger? Well, I have come a long way from there.

There were a lot of people who judged me, who said I was right and some who said I was wrong. I do not know if I was right or wrong, but well, in time, this would not matter. Any decision would have been almost the same philosophically. And these judgments would prove inconsequential. In the larger scheme of events, what does it matter? But what about me as an entity? As a person and as a mind and soul with a heart?

I know of women who have the greatest attachments and pride in their career, their financial security and their title as an independent woman. I don’t for a moment think they are wrong to be that way. In fact it is their personal choice and their frame of mind which makes them think so. But I am not that and I don’t intend to be so too. But I also know a few others who are very fiercely independent and high in the rungs of their career but are forced to be there for any number of reasons. I know of an ex-colleague whose husband told her that he wanted a wife with a high profile career and that at no point in her life should she feel she can let it go for the sake of ‘family’ or her ‘child’, though she said she would do anything to be in my current shoes of a happy homemaker. I can only sympathize with her. I at least have a generous husband than that who thinks I can do what I want with my life, but it is entirely my responsibility to do so.

But my priorities are very clear. I need to give the utmost attention to my toddler, to his formative years, to his upbringing and no one can take up that position and only those who think similarly would really understand my thoughts.

You know, I have never really understood feminism in the words of the world. What reason a woman has to prove that she is equal to a man?  Sometimes I feel a woman is superior in many different other ways and it really belittles a woman to prove she is equal to a man. The men who are reading this blog, please don’t get me wrong. I am trying to say that nature bestowed in woman the physique to be fertile, bear and allow progeny and care for young ones. It gave women a softer heart. It gave women more power to tolerate. I say tolerate here, because the pains and pleasures of nine months of child bearing, laborious process of birth, patience in upbringing, love, bonding and lessons of the heart are all better understood and taught to future generations by a woman alone. And doing one’s duty, one’s intuitive duty in fulfilling womanhood, in being truly feminine, is her first priority.

So, for me feminism is all this, rather than trying to say, I can be a CEO too or I can be a Prime Minister too, though if you can do all this and not compromise on any of these and still hold the flags of respective positions, so be it. You are highly skillful, multitaskable and almost god to be omniscient.

But what about money? What about a career at a later stage in my life? What about the cost of this break? I understand I cant have the same career I had. But do I really want to? When I think about it, I feel that chapter in my life is over and I have evolved beyond the stressful life of a software engineer who slogs for twelve hours a day for money and social pride. I mean, I needed the money back then, I got it. I would still need it as long as I keep getting it. Know what I mean? As and when we are dispensed of certain resources, we lose their use. I don’t say I have no use for money. But I have learnt to be more frugal than I earlier was. I don’t eat out. Maybe, not as much. I don’t splurge money on the demons called “auto-rickshaws”, we travel wisely and avoid it mostly, which is good, we have also become innovative with using just one car and traveling only when it is available and walking the other times. It is not that hard, really. I don’t buy as much clothes. I also don’t buy so many clothes and toys for my toddler. I really don’t understand why I bought so many things which I really did in the past. It is like I have stopped spending money from my bank account which is really not there. I am not an advocate of any “stop consumerism” group. I am just trying to say that to live simply is a very satisfying thing at the end of the day. You know, like reinventing the wheel again and again.

Of course the DDH has a job and he provides for his wife and child. But you know, the concept of second income is welcome, but if it has to be forsaken, it can be done so happily too.

And at the end of the day, I am happy, and yet again, some say I am being childish saying I am happy being a homemaker and what about all the education, the post graduate engineering degree? Well, what can I say? I thought I wanted a high profile career, I worked for it. I almost got there. But somewhere along the journey, I decided to switch lanes because my heart belonged in the other lane. A certain friend on FB had posted sometime ago the difference between the heart and the mind. I mean, my mind would still be working as a project leader in some leading American Vehicle Design company. But the heart belongs very much physically near to the heart of DDS, at home right now. Perhaps, when he has to go to school full time next year, I would think of ways to keep myself occupied and pine meanwhile.

But for now, to quote DDS, “Be at home with me because I like you”. What simpler reason could there be for this decision and I am glad I am here now than later.

What’s in a name? Click, find out!

Would you retain your maiden name, after your marriage? I am just curious as to how many actually click ‘Yes’ on the poll at the end of this post.

My name is 'The Alchemist'

In ‘olden’ days this was not even an option. Women just changed their surnames to their husband’s as soon as they got married. There was no thought to it. It was just like that. But I would like to share a secret that my paternal grandmother retains both her maiden name and her married name in all her legal documents and also social network. So, does my grandmother’s sister. I am proud of them both. But my mother, paternal and maternal aunts don’t. They all have their married names.

I personally am more inclined to retain my maiden name and DDH apparently does not mind. DDS takes his father’s name though and I definitely don’t mind. There needs to be a balance in all things and I am bestowed with my paternal surname not maternal. Oh well, anyways, read on…

I have had lengthy discussions about this for so long with a few of my friends. The discussion never ends. We only disperse. Of course it’s actually a non-issue if you look at the world in a very broad way with global warming, deforestation, pollution, plastics and whatnots. But us, the highly evolved species are identified with a name and it’s the most essential and predominant part of an individual’s personal heritage and identification.

Oh yes, professionally, it is just easy to go along with your maiden name. It reduces so much of legal work. End of discussion!

But, I cannot write a short, simple blog. I just cannot. So, here goes.

Out of the women who resist this change, the most predominant reason is surprisingly not the cumbersome activity of changing your passport, driving license, credit cards, etc, but it is vastly psychological. Many of my friends confided to having bouts of sorrow after they changed their name, though they did not expect it. It feels like closing the most favorite chapter of your life book. It feels like your birth certificate does not matter anymore. Face it, childhood is the best part of anyone’s life and everyone is nostalgic about it. And changing names from that of your childhood name feels so different, not good different, but sad different.

Certain women are born in a very rich heritage and would like to still feel belonged in it though married. Come on, marriage cannot mean to break all familial ties in which you were born. Some women feel loved and cherished to be identified with their maiden name because they are proud of it. Whats wrong in being proud of a very nice thing?

Suppose, an English woman with a surname of Smith married an African with a surname of Gueyeah she would feel strange taking up his surname Does Jane Smith sound good for a blonde or Jane Gueyeah? Or an Asian with a name of Ching changing it to John? I mean, if you have looked and felt a name for 20 to 30 odd years, you would prefer to retain your feelings. I somehow do not feel like naming a baby with a very huge name. It feels heavy on the baby. This is quite a similar feeling. Changing your name just does not feel you.

But most women feel that changing your surname after marriage is a sign of love, commitment and belongingness towards your husband and his family. The couple is lucky in this case. In the other case too, the couple is lucky, because the second category does not need any material, emotional or intellectual action to symbolize their love and commitment. Oh, the discussion in either case..!

Nowadays, the trend is this, FirstName MaidenLastName HusbandSurname. You retain your maiden name as your middle name and append his last name as your last name. It avoids so much confusion, feels good psychologically on you and him and makes him feel having possessed you. This is a very simple and easy approach and is gaining popularity. It’s a win win situation in many ways.

But you know, socially, whatever you decide to do, you would have to smile and politely reply to comments like, “Oh, you retained your maiden name. Are you so insecure that you need this statement of independence every now and then”? Or rather, “You changed your surname? Are you not the liberated modern woman”?

And then, there is this huge activity of naming the children and choosing surnames for them. I do not even want to think about the options, discussions and implications. There is a huge list to choose from … Mother’s maiden name, Father’s surname, Mother’s Maiden Name-Father’s surname, Mother’s maiden name as middle name, oh the list is just endless… The easiest thing is for all to have the same last name. Looks good on the passport, doesn’t it?

While discussing names, we all eventually, remember the bard’s famous words, “A rose by any other name would smell as sweet” ironically from the play, “Romeo and Juliet”.

And a woman or man is definitely herself/himself no matter what she/he is called. Can I conclude without these clichéd words?

And here comes the poll… Being a woman, what would u do?Being a man, what would you prefer your better half to do? Change or not?

 

Meeting virtual friends in reality

When I became pregnant five years ago, I explored the internet for resources to read, signed up in many websites for newsletters regarding healthy pregnancy and healthy baby, read and re-read the weekly embryo developments, checked out the exercises, diets and basically had more information in me than about being pregnant than any data warehousing site could have.

I also joined a community called www.babyfit.com. It was an amazing website. I met many pregnant woman there who posted their views, questions, shared their opinions and basically supported each other during those precious 40 weeks of the most wonderful time in a woman’s life. One such woman was Lady M. She was from India too like me. And we shared so many things. Our joys, our worries, our sorrows, our life, our work, we started sharing many other things than just pregnancy and baby stuff over E-Mail. But she was a person I met over the internet. We did not make any dates to meet up. After all, we both had families, duties, and life and work and no one even thought of meeting. We were like each other’s diaries. And moreover we knew the perils of meeting online friends in reality.

So, life went on for a few years. Then we thought we should check out each other’s voices. So, we wished each other on birthdays, anniversaries, kids’ birthdays, etc. And slowly the phone calls minimized, the E Mails minimized too, with just a note here and there saying, “hey, you missed my kid’s birthday” and , “oops, I am so sorry”. And things shriveled up to shorter text messages too at a certain stage.

Life just got too hectic. There was work pressure, our own careers, work-life balance, kids, home and well, we just got too busy. But we remembered each other and followed up each other well with regular pic updates and generallife updates.

I received a phone call once, “We are planning to come down to Chennai from Bangalore, maybe we can try to meet”. I was excited. At last, we were going to meet up with each other. When I shared this exciting feeling with another friend, she said, “Are you sure you want to meet her? You know, it is not really safe to meet someone you know in the virtual world. What if she turns out to be a trickster? What if your safety is at peril”?

You know, sometimes, you have to follow your heart without any second thoughts and I am happy I did that, that day. With some people, you know it is the right decision. One should listen for the signs.

She has two sons, one is DDS’s age, the other a bit younger. The kids had an awesome evening, playing, fighting, making up, playing again, chatting, complaining, and generally having fun. M, her husband, my husband,my mom and I too had a very interesting evening. We were glad we all met finally.

And when they were all leaving, the sudden realisation hit me that I was meeting them for the first time, but the way the evening went, it felt like old friends meeting up after a long time and generally having so much of catching up to do. There were no initial apprehensions, confusions on what to speak and what to not, kids bonding with each other or not? Well, there was absolutely no time to think or act, it was just a blur which zoomed away so soon. I am glad the day happened

We spent about four hours or less, but it felt like hardly an hour, Einstein rightly said about relativity being, “Five minutes in the company you like, but an hour in the company you don’t for the same short span of time”.

So, I have shared a few pics we took on the day.

Sharing a private moment

Something beckons us...

Best friends forever

We are good boys

Have you had any such experiences of meeting virtual friends in reality and feeling like old friends meeting up after a long time? Have you felt sometime that certain friendships like these are too precious? Felt that you meet certain people in strange ways and feel like you were destined to know them? And felt at random odd moments that life is benevolent?